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September 19, 2011
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The Son of the Emperor: 1 by NoMoreSanity The Son of the Emperor: 1 by NoMoreSanity

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The first chapter of my My Little Pony alternate history fan fic, The Son of the Emperor. Taken from the Equestria Daily description:

"We all know about stories where Humans enter Equestria. But what about a world where Equestria is in the Human world? It is the year 1820, and a series of events brings a young unicorn and a human prince together. Together, they will embark on a quest to change Europe, and the world, forever."

Any comments or criticisms are welcomed (So long as you aren't a dick at least).

Chapter 2: [link]?
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:iconfirelord-zuko:
firelord-zuko Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm no brony and know absolutely nothing about MLP. But I know the more about the history, so here we go.

First of all, this is exceptionally well-written. The German (and, as far as I can tell), is well-researched, though I suppose Franz would address the emperor more politely. It was, after all, customary for close friends and family to address each other using "Sie" instead of "du". Nevertheless, there are no real mistakes. Your style is dynamic, vivid, yet lyrical. Characterisation is working well and smooth.

A bit on accuracy. Firstly, I disapprove of images in stories, but never mind. In any case, you used the lesser arms of the German Empire, which would not even exist until 1871 and not used in this form into the 1880s. In the period in question, the Prussian Eagle was simply this: [link] The Hohenzollern shield (Quarterly Argent and Sable) was not a part of the lesser arms at all, and only included in the inescutcheon for the Burggraviate of Nuremburg in the greater arms.
Your descriptions of the clothes your characters wear also seem not quite period-appropriate. Refer to Wikipedia's excellent series on Western fashion, in particularly the article on "1795-1820 in Fashion". Considering that this is Vienna, a centre of European fashion, the succeeding article might already be appropriate.
Fun fact: in 1820, the Hoch- und Deutschmeister of the Teutonic Knights was Archduke Anton Victor, the viceroy of Lombardo-Venetia, who is Napoleon II's ... great-uncle?

Also, you're a Paradoxian? High five!
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:iconnomoresanity:
NoMoreSanity Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
Well, this was a sudden and altogether unexpected reply. I'll look into fixing that stuff before the day is over, thank you for pointing it all out. Tell me though, did you come by this on your own, or through some other way? I'm not sure how you'd know of it if you don't know about MLP.
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:iconfirelord-zuko:
firelord-zuko Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I read about it on TV Tropes, ages ago. Don't know the context any more, probably something involving Napoleon or historical tropes. I only just sought for it again (because it's a more effective way of avoiding to research the Battle of Salamanca for my own fanfiction than playing game after game of Windows 8 Minesweeper) and am glad I did.
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:iconnomoresanity:
NoMoreSanity Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
Well I'm glad you're enjoying what little there is to the story, and I hope I can get those changes in by the end of the day. I always like to fix what the readers point out.
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:icondpv111:
DPV111 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2011
Hey, you're on DA too? Kewl I just wanted to say that-
"Any comments or criticisms are welcomed (So long as you aren't a dick at least)."
Oh, well then. *Leaves*.
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:iconjin-ghi-lives:
Jin-Ghi-Lives Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011
you sir have my attention.
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:iconnomoresanity:
NoMoreSanity Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011
You do as well, person who looks like a total boss.
Reply
:iconbronyfan:
bronyfan Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011
man i was hoping he was from the fatherland no makes any good deustch stories
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:iconmaximillianveers:
MaximillianVeers Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I read the first chapter when this was posted to ED... I wasn't expecting much, and was pleasantly surprised at how bloody amazing it was. :) Looking forward to more!
Reply
:iconnomoresanity:
NoMoreSanity Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2011
Glad to see you enjoyed it. Can't wait to see your opinion on future chapters.
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